Story for the Day: The Impediment
Guards have their uses: they do guard things occasionally. They simply cannot guard and stop a coup all at once:
Leaning on his spear and dozing
away, completely insensible of the coup that was about to
burst on him, was the
guard, his cheek crushed against the staff of his spear, his mouth open, his
lips drooping, his face rapt in the bliss of a sanguine sloom. He was sleeping
so soundly as he stood with his back to the empty cells lining the corridor to
the brig that he did not hear the booming footfalls of Houghleidh as he approached.
The large young man materialized from the darkness and came well prepared to
defend himself, his fists tight, his arms taut, his thews flexed, his features
locked in a contrived and ferocious pout, but when Houghliedh drew close to the
guard and found him snoring away, propping himself with his spear and teetering
from side to side with every whistling exhale, Houghleidh only simpered and
shook his head.
“Ah doant believe it,” said he,
running his fingers through his cropped hair. “Hou can a man with onlae wan
theng tae dae fall asleep daein’ it?”
“Exactly the point I made to him
when I came in,” said Danaco, emerging from the shadows behind him. “You see
here what indolence does. It makes one a drooling dollop.”
The guard unconsciously slottered
and wiped his mouth on the backs of his hands.
“By Myrellenos, he is as useful as
the drapery. Awake, you slumbering simkin,” the captain announced, with a stamp
of his foot, “that you might do your job credibly this time and pretend to be
in impediment.”
The guard was shaken awake, and
once the first confusion of consciousness was over, he said a languid, “…Huh?” and
stared at the captain as though he were an invention of his sleeping mind.
“We are taking over this vessel,”
Danaco announced. “I have freed everyone in the brig, and we mean to march on
the crew’s quarters, so you may stand aside and keep your life, or stand in our
way and be deboned.”
The guard made a few pandiculations,
and then, gawping at the captain and then at Houghleidh and then at the captain
again, he stood at attention and stared at Danaco with a vicious aspect. “You’re
not trying to escape, are you?”
“Well, I certainly am not trying to
escape,” said Danaco, “as I was never a prisoner from the first. This young
man, however,” motioning to Houghleidh beside him, “is already escaped and
means to arrange you across the jib should you decide to stand in his way.”
The guard whirled round in a heroic
flourish and brandished his spear at Houghliedh. “Back to your cell, slave!” he
cried, waving the tip of his spear threateningly about.
Houghleidh glaced at the spear,
grinned to himself, and then glanced at the captain. “Am Ah supposed tae hurt
hem?”
“Well, that would be part of his
job,” said the captain. “At last he is doing it, which was more than he was
doing when I came in this way. I did say pretend to be an impediment, sir. You
do not need to be one truly. You might stand aside and spare yourself from
having your limbs rearranged.”
There was a pause. The guard
remained where he was, grinding his teeth and thrusting his spear forward, and
Danaco sighed and rolled his eyes, thoroughly unimpressed.
“Perhaps you did not hear me under
that helm of yours. I said you may stand aside, sir. You have done your duty
well enough, now be very good and let us pass. I do admire your indomitable
spirit, sir, and your ability to remember what it is you were hired for, but if
you stand aside now, I need not make good on my promises to paint the hull with
your entrails.”
The guard folded his arms and
humphed. “You won’t see me moving.”
“Nobody shall see you do much of
anything beyond swinging back and fort from the hull gap by your colon.”
“I’m not going anywhere—“ but a
sudden smack, a blur of motion, and the guard was thrown through the hole in
the hull, his feet just visible as he careened, his voice crying out and diminishing as plummeted to the sea far
below. There was a tinkling sound of something dashing into the waves, and only
the rataplan rote of the waves thrashing against the vessel was heard.
“By Myrellenos, what just
happened?” Danaco asked, looking about in confusion. “Was that you? Did you
just fling him overboard?”
“Aye, Ah swiped him,” said
Houghleidh proudly.
“Had you? I saw nothing. I did not
even see your hand move across me. My, you are ferocious fast if you can fell a
man without my noticing. I say, my friend, have you had any formal training at
all?”
Houghleidh scratched his head.
“Ah’ve thrown bales o’ hay bigger than the size o’ tha’ guard.”
“Your time as an illegitimate
labourer has done well for you certainly. Well, as our chief impediment is
gone, would you lead on?”
“I’m not an impediment!” cried a
spluttering voice from below.
“Oh,” said Danaco, peering over the
side of the vessel, “are you still there?”
Houghliedh leaned over Danaco and
looked down to find the guard hanging at the bottom of the vessel by the butt
of his staff.
“I’m not an impediment,” the guard
demanded, grunting and pulling himself closer to the hull.
“Well, you certainly are no
impediment where you are now,” Danaco called down to him. “You are not swinging
by the might of your entrails, as I predicted, but you are out of the way.”
“I’m still refusing to allow you to
advance. You aren’t allowed to take those slaves from the brig!” The guard gave
a great heave and hauled himself onto
the butt of his spear. “Put them back or I will run you through!”
“You do that, my friend, and you
will find yourself in the frigid waters below you. How do you mean to run me
through without plucking your spear from the side of this ship?”
The guard opened his mouth to
retort, paused momentarily to think, and then pursed his lips and glunched. “I’ll
think of something.”
“How provoking you are.".
“Where do you think you’re going?”
the guard cried, desperately trying to pull himself up to the gap by leveraging
the spear. “You can’t just leave the brig with a slave!”
“Notice,” said Danaco as he
followed Houghleidh, “that this young man wears no chains and is no longer in
the brig, and is therefore no longer under your jurisdiction.”
A pause here. The guard hung about
in confusion, and then shouted up to the captain, “How do you figure that?”
“Your job is to keep any slave from
escaping the brig, is not it?”
“That’s it.”
“Well, if he make himself a free
man by wearing no chains and leaving on his own accord, I am not stealing him
and he is not a slave. I make no transgression, and your reputation as
exemplary guard still stands.”
It was true: if the man did not
bare the semblance of a slave and if no one were breaking him out of his cell, reason
commanded that the man must be at liberty, and if that were the case, which it
apparently must be, then he could not be angry with the captain. “Well, I
suppose it isn’t so bad then,” the guard decided.
“And besides, we have left you some
slaves in the brig to look after, though I will tell you that if you mean to
hang about at your ease, they will leave on their own, so you had better hurry
in scampering up the hull.”
The guard, angry and bemused,
began to claw at the slight grooves between the ship’s planks in an effort to
scale them, and Danaco wished him the very best of luck as he followed
Houghliedh into the hall leading to the crews’ quarters, behind him the thirty
men and women who came prepared to fight for their full emancipation, ignoring
the guard shouting at them to return to the brig directly by the way.
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